...

I honestly think that if I could just get the hell away from my family and my shitty town, my depression would go away and I would be a much better person. Really.

I know holding a shitload of anger and hatred towards my town is really unhealthy, but the thing is I've gone through so much shit in that horrible town because of certain people or the culture there. I really should forgive that stupid place, but honestly, I can't. I'm just not ready yet.

rant

Kay, heres what's wrong with my life at the moment:

-My parents are sending me back to a shrink cause according to them, I've relapsed and I've become depressed again. Damn.

-I'm been in love with a person for a year and it fucking kills me

-A guy asked me out and I said "okay" in hopes that a boyfriend would get my thoughts off the person I love and its not working...

-According to everyone around me, I should wear more happy colors, I should have been an agnostic, I should not be depressed, I should eat more, I should be happy, I should listen to happier music, I should have nicer friends, I should be a normal teenager.

Why won't they all just shut the fuck up?!!? I get told all this shit all the time and I just want to be left alone!\

I wish there was at least one person in this shitty town that actually understood me, that actually realizes what I'm going through. If I want to talk to anyone I actually relate to, I have to hope that their cell phone is on.

If so many people in the world have fallen in love, why do I feel so freaking alone?

gah

I freaking don't understand why some people are homophobic! Like why do they have to be scared of what they don't understand? Personally I totally believe in the theory that everyone is actually bi. I mean, at least once in everyone's life, they're going to "like" someone of their same gender. They might totally dismiss their feelings and not act on them, but everyone has felt that way. Maybe they're sexually attracted to one sex, but emotionly attracted to another sex. Yeah, thats my theory.

But why is everyone afraid to talk about it? I guess I understand that, cause my sexual orentation still freaks the crap out of me. I don't know what I am and I'm fucking scared cause of it. There, I said it. I don't know what I am and it scares me.

My parents once told me they had no problems with gay people as long as I wasn't. Gee, thanks for all the support. But I don't really get along with my parents that well anyway. I just want to get the hell out of this town and have my own life.

But for the first time last June, I fell in love. Not stupid teenage crushes, love. And the person I'm in love with could never love me the same way. "They" already have a significant other, "they" are happy in their life, "they" don't need me, I'm just a stupid friend to them. But I love them so much. I have a notebook complety filled with my thoughts about them. When I see a picture of them, I feel like.. like I'm going to faint, but my chest feels floaty and my heart feels like someone's holding it and gently squeezing. Every single day, I think of them at least every hour. They're my hero, they're the person I admire more than anything. They're in my dreams every single night. I keep trying to get over them and move on, but its been more than a year and I can't get them out of my head.

meh...

I'm tan... Grrrr... I like to be pale and pasty, but now I'm nasty crispy brown.

Well..... I have a bunch of stuff I want to say, but I don't have enough time to type it all. I promise I'll write it all later

This is sad...

All I've done today is sit in front of the TV, do sit-ups, watch HBO, and drink water. I love Willy Wonka, yet Over The Hedge sucks ass.

I have such an eventful life.

Blorg...

I seriously wasn't ready to leave Northern Pines(a church camp). I really needed to stay there for a couple more weeks. Northern Pines is seriously the only place where I feel truly at home and truly complete and at peace. I know God is everywhere, but I can always feel the Holy Spirit when I'm there. When I came home, I got in this fight with my sister cause she told me the Bible was bullshit. I told her that her little atheist whole idea was bull and she freaked out. Then I missed my curfew because I was outside talking to one of my friends and my parents literally flipped out. So now I basically have no privledges. yupyup. Life sucks.

I got dragged down to Atlanta for our "happy family vacation." Since we've gotten here, all we've done is have my parents walking around dragging us behind, going to all the stupid touristy thingies they have in Atlanta. The Coke bottling plant is cool for an hour, but when its 100 degrees outside and the tour takes 4 hours, I seriously wanted to murder someone. We're in Atlanta so my sister and my father can go to a stuttering convention cause they both have a light stutter. But since I don't, the only thing I can do is sit in the room or go down to the restaurant and sit. Whoo!!

I'm so confused. I feel so alone in the world, like no one cares. At Northern Pines, I spent most of the time alone in the chapel praying. But then I had to come home and its so freaking hard. How can I be a good Christian when I'm surrounded by people who don't support the Church? At camp, I lost count of how many people told me to call them if I ever felt alone. But I do feel alone. And I don't want to bother them. I just want to know that Jesus thinks about me. That he really cares. That I'm not completley alone in this world.

I thought I had all these friends I could rely on, but in the last year, I found out almost half of them weren't really my friends. They were just there. That's such a scary feeling. It's like I was balanced and then suddenly I'm falling and I can't grab anything to hold on to. I know my family loves me, but we're just all so different. We can't agree on anything. I just want one person. One best friend. One person who knows everything about me, even the things I won't admit. I thought I had found that, but now I don't know who I can rely on.